Is there any hope for these?

[Herf N Turf]

If he admittedly doesn't have the patience for it, I'LL take them!!

Other than chucking the box in my cabinet humidor at 65%, how does one go about raising RH 1-2% per week, anyway?

Place them in a tupperware with the lowest value Boveda, or other two-way media you can get. Check it every 48 hrs. After a week, place the cigars back in the zipper bag with the hygrometer to check your progress. Repeat weekly.